I’ll give some background in the next paragraphs. You don’t have to read them if you don’t want to, the actual question is summarised in the title and the more elaborated version is given in the last paragraph.

I lost all my friends from school due to my shyness. We don’t even keep in touch anymore at all. Over the period I was applying to uni I got really depressed because of that fact because even though I couldn’t describe anybody in our group as my “best friend”, they were good enough to hang out with and I made a decent amount of memories with them.

I tried to make friends again in Uni but my tries to gather up together ultimately failed and I don’t even know why. Most of the people aren’t from the city our uni is in, so I suggested, multiple times, going on a walk together to see local landmarks, architecture etc, maybe go in some cafe together.

The biggest friend circle inside the group formed without me with people who lived in the dorms and some random guys who got into the circle in god knows what way. All events they throw they post in some own group in a messenger, which I’m not a member of.

So I stopped trying to become friends with them since it is really hard to break into an existing friend circle. Basically, I was too late to their “party”.

I did become friends with one guy from the group, though, but he is not really interested in hanging out together outside of uni, since he already has his group of good friends with whom he does hang out and did since middle school. This isn’t much, but at least I’m not all alone at uni now.

I try to go to events in uni as much as my shyness allows me to, but they never pay out. Nobody there is interested in making new friends and everybody seems to go there with their existing friend groups. Being a loner forces me to go through the cringiest ever process of trying to find a group that is welcome to outsiders and I end up being ignored most of the time.

I often find myself wanting to go to some festival, or pub, or non-uni event, but I have an immense fear cringing from my shy self and messing up. Overcoming shyness is already hard and every time it doesn’t pay off and everybody ghosts me I get depressed for a day or two.

So, do you have any tips on how do I make friends? Maybe any tips for making myself more approachable? Are there any places shy people can go to with the goal of meeting new people?

  • qooqie@lemmy.world
    25·
    9 months ago

    So you’re mind reading here about other people not wanting new friends. Mind reading is an unhealthy habit and as you can see it’s making your situation worse. Try to stop that first when going to events, you don’t know if they don’t want new friends. I sure as hell never go “I’ve got enough friends”. Look up mind reading as a cognitive distortion, you’re doing it a lot even in these paragraphs

    I also think we might be missing something as to why that original friend group formed without you, but you might just be that shy. They might not even know if you want to hang out with them or you seemed really uncomfortable so they assumed you didn’t want to hang out. Either way you can try again with them or move on it’s really no big deal.

    Finally you’re in uni and most unis have free therapy provided or other assistance for people. The university wants you to thrive and branch out so seriously look for the help they’re providing. I do highly suggest therapy just for the social anxiety you’ve built up even a few sessions will go a long way for you I bet.

    • kakes@sh.itjust.works
      141·
      9 months ago

      Regarding mind-reading: OP should also keep in mind that these people are probably thinking the exact same thing - shyness often comes off as disinterest.

      Think of how you would like them to reach out to you, and then do that.

      And definitely agree on therapy. Recently went to therapy myself for something similar, and it does help.

    • lifeadvice@reddthat.comOP
      6·
      9 months ago

      Thanks for your advice. I don’t live in the US or in the EU, local unis sure as hell don’t give af about the students. One person committed suicide recently by jumping out of a window in one of the uni buildings and the administration didn’t seem to react in any way.

      Nevertheless, I will see what options I have, maybe something good can come out of it. Thank you again