I’ll give some background in the next paragraphs. You don’t have to read them if you don’t want to, the actual question is summarised in the title and the more elaborated version is given in the last paragraph.
I lost all my friends from school due to my shyness. We don’t even keep in touch anymore at all. Over the period I was applying to uni I got really depressed because of that fact because even though I couldn’t describe anybody in our group as my “best friend”, they were good enough to hang out with and I made a decent amount of memories with them.
I tried to make friends again in Uni but my tries to gather up together ultimately failed and I don’t even know why. Most of the people aren’t from the city our uni is in, so I suggested, multiple times, going on a walk together to see local landmarks, architecture etc, maybe go in some cafe together.
The biggest friend circle inside the group formed without me with people who lived in the dorms and some random guys who got into the circle in god knows what way. All events they throw they post in some own group in a messenger, which I’m not a member of.
So I stopped trying to become friends with them since it is really hard to break into an existing friend circle. Basically, I was too late to their “party”.
I did become friends with one guy from the group, though, but he is not really interested in hanging out together outside of uni, since he already has his group of good friends with whom he does hang out and did since middle school. This isn’t much, but at least I’m not all alone at uni now.
I try to go to events in uni as much as my shyness allows me to, but they never pay out. Nobody there is interested in making new friends and everybody seems to go there with their existing friend groups. Being a loner forces me to go through the cringiest ever process of trying to find a group that is welcome to outsiders and I end up being ignored most of the time.
I often find myself wanting to go to some festival, or pub, or non-uni event, but I have an immense fear cringing from my shy self and messing up. Overcoming shyness is already hard and every time it doesn’t pay off and everybody ghosts me I get depressed for a day or two.
So, do you have any tips on how do I make friends? Maybe any tips for making myself more approachable? Are there any places shy people can go to with the goal of meeting new people?
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So you’re mind reading here about other people not wanting new friends. Mind reading is an unhealthy habit and as you can see it’s making your situation worse. Try to stop that first when going to events, you don’t know if they don’t want new friends. I sure as hell never go “I’ve got enough friends”. Look up mind reading as a cognitive distortion, you’re doing it a lot even in these paragraphs
I also think we might be missing something as to why that original friend group formed without you, but you might just be that shy. They might not even know if you want to hang out with them or you seemed really uncomfortable so they assumed you didn’t want to hang out. Either way you can try again with them or move on it’s really no big deal.
Finally you’re in uni and most unis have free therapy provided or other assistance for people. The university wants you to thrive and branch out so seriously look for the help they’re providing. I do highly suggest therapy just for the social anxiety you’ve built up even a few sessions will go a long way for you I bet.
Regarding mind-reading: OP should also keep in mind that these people are probably thinking the exact same thing - shyness often comes off as disinterest.
Think of how you would like them to reach out to you, and then do that.
And definitely agree on therapy. Recently went to therapy myself for something similar, and it does help.
Thanks for your advice. I don’t live in the US or in the EU, local unis sure as hell don’t give af about the students. One person committed suicide recently by jumping out of a window in one of the uni buildings and the administration didn’t seem to react in any way.
Nevertheless, I will see what options I have, maybe something good can come out of it. Thank you again
You’re trying which takes a lot of courage - that’s the right attitude for sure. I’d suggest joining activities not just gathering places in subjects you’re passionate about or interested in. By that I mean like games, sports, arts etc - a class or club means you share similar interests (something to break the ice) and social context to interact. It’s more likely you’ll click with others that share your interest.
So go to tour your local town in an organized group. Take a painting or pottery class. Join a recreational sport club.
Good luck!
Thank you for the advice. It is really hard to find a class/club at that age, but I try. I joined a uni speaking club recently. It’s only 1-2 hours per week and sometimes gets cancelled due to how it is organised but I hope we will soon talk about some topic with which I will be able to approach others as a conversation-starter after the club ends
I hope so too! Like I said, trying is a massive step and isn’t easy. Give yourself credit for that and be proud.
You have built up stories for what’s going on in other people’s heads. My wife does this too. Give that up. You can’t know what the story really is, and it’s harmful to your cause to guess.
My advice is, don’t go out to try and make friends. Just go out to talk to people. Friendship will happen or not, and AFAIK is mostly based around frequency of interaction and proximity. So be nice, be there frequently, and eventually you’ll enjoy talking with those people and know a bit about them. That’s friendship.
If you’re looking for people to do specific activities with, then do those activities and talk to people doing them. If you want friends that go on walks, go on walks, or join groups about sightseeing.
Also, your local library and other groups will have events you can go to.
Look for activities you enjoy on an app like Meetup. It’s a great way to find people who share your interests.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any in-person events here at where I live on Meetup and there are no local alternatives to it
You’re at uni?
You’re telling me there are no clubs you can join?
Nope. Our unis are massively underfunded and teachers are massively underpaid, so no, not much clubs. There are only two valid clubs (both of which were organised with help either from the students themselves or other organisations) and I won’t join one for personal reasons. The other one I have already joined and it is yet to show any results, the meetings don’t happen that often
Start a club then.
Call it ‘Social walking in the park’
The purpose is to make new friends and get to know other students. It’s free and you regularly meet a a local park at XX day at YY time to walk around together before getting an optional lunch/brunch/afternoon tea etc.
I had some difficulties like these in the past, and what helped me was looking into amateur theater. There are part time (2 to 4 hours a week usually) amateur theater/drama schools that form closed groups and that group stays together over the years as they progress (with some inevitable degree of turnover obviously). I still talk to and meet with some of the people I met through that even though I left a bit after covid hit.
These kinds of spaces are good for people in our situation for multiple reasons:
- It puts us in an environment in which everyone is a newcomer, which helps when you struggle with that feeling of being the outsider.
- A lot of the people that go to that kind of space are people that struggle with shyness, loneliness or difficulties opening up, which means you are dealing with similar people to yourself.
- It inherently helps with shyness and closedness because the activity is all about opening up and being vulnerable. It’s very shock therapy because you don’t get any time to be nervous or second guess yourself, if it’s anything like mine was, they throw you out straight into the water.
- You meet people of all ages and walks of life, which enriches you if you open yourself to it.
You will however have to look into the details of what kind of options are in your area for that and how they work and when the groups are formed and what levels there are and all of that jazz because I can’t assume that it will work the same as it works here. If any of them are like my school was, then they offer smaller experiences (like a weekend or a month in the summer) so that you can dip your toes and get a feeling of how things work.
With all of that said, you should still look into regular therapy sessions while you are going through this. For people like us, our own brain is our worst enemy in this situation, and we need an external, specialized perspective that recontextualizes things for us. It will help more than you can imagine if you stick with it somewhat regularly.