cross-posted from: https://programming.dev/post/14816537
I’m 43 years old but apparently I have a baby face, good hair for my age and everyone believes I’m in my mid 20s, even though I already have some gray hairs nobody seems to notice (so far).
I started the lie: first time I started my last job at a hospital immediately after my bachelor and told my new coworkers my real age (38 at the time) they started judging me: why are you not married, why don’t you have children, what have you done in the last 20 years.
The way these women asked was accusatory, like I’m a failure for being almost 40 and not having children or being single. At that moment I decided next time somebody at the workplace asks me for my age, to blatantly and shamelessly lie: I’m 25, leave me alone.
Since that bad experience I’ve worked at 2 other hospitals and my lie has always helped: patients and coworkers believe I’m 25 because as said I look like it, don’t pester me about children or marriage and while my current coworkers are gossips and need drama to live, they don’t push my buttons because I don’t give them any ammunition. It’s tolerable.
Note that I didn’t lie in my application and accounting and management at my workplace know very well my real age, but my coworkers and direct manager are oblivious to it: On my first day I just told them I’m 25 and they didn’t question it.
Now, I have the body of a 43 year old, meaning I don’t lift heavy patients like a 25 year old and sometimes I come home with back pain. I don’t know if I’d get better assignments if I’m sincere about my age (I’d like that, but is it realistic?). I just don’t want to get to 65 with a broken back. I don’t want drama either, just to work and go home.
I lie to protect myself.
If I need to change this, why and how?
My homie. If you’re doing nursing, you’re retiring with a bad back. Probably knees too. Doing patient care is hell on your body, no matter how light you go now.
So, yeah, see if you can get a doctor to recommend light duty to preserve what you have left, and the next time someone asks your age, tell them whatever because nobody is actually going to take it easy on you until you’re damn near retirement anyway.
If I need to change this, why and how?
Why:
You’re lying to your coworkers, and while you think you can pass for 25, you said you’ve been using it for 3 jobs now and have graying hair?
Like, lots of older guys drastically overestimate how young they still look, and people go along with it because why have the awkward conversation calling out an obvious lie?
How:
Just stop lying to everyone?
Like if you meant how to do that without everyone thinking negative things…
You shouldn’t have told people you’re almost 20 years older than you told them.
They’re going to doubt everything you tell them, and in a medical setting that’s a big deal.
You can try to keep pretending, but at some point it’ll come out, if they don’t already all know.
I’ve been graying since 23yo to be fair
I’m confused by your “why” - why should they be honest about their age? Why is it anyone else’s business?
He should just not answer the question.
If I catch someone in just one lie, my estime of them usually plummets and I question most things they say afterwards. Not to mention lying about something obvious kind of makes you look schizophrenic.
Bro is saying he’s 20 years younger than he is…
He’s not passing for 25.
Lots of middle age guys lie about their age, very very few are cocky enough to lie by this large of amount. And the amount that actually looked 25 at 43 is statistically zero.
Like, yeah, Paul Rudd is real person, but we know who Paul Rudd is because he’s the exception.
He could have easily just said “I don’t want to say”. But now he probably has a reputation as the creepy dude who thinks he looks 25.
I’m not saying that’s right, I’m saying that’s most likely what’s happening.
He said he even told his direct supervisor he was 25, date of birth is pretty basic information. A direct supervisor in a medical field is eventually going to see it on a form somewhere if they haven’t already
Even OPs supposed reason for doing this, could just be solved by saying “I don’t want to talk about it” to those questions.
So it doesn’t seem presumptuous to think he might not be that great with social interactions and cues.
He might just be another middle age dude that thinks people are falling for his obvious lies about his age.
It’s not exactly a rare thing like I said, the only rare thing is the balls to go 20 years younger.
I do get it, coworkers can be rude and nosey AF. I’ve had some like that, too. But lying about your age is not the way to handle it. Keep them on a low information diet. It’s perfectly OK to say “that’s really none of your business” or “l prefer not to discuss my personal life at work.”
If they keep pushing the issue, get firm with them and ask if they really want to get HR involved? (Don’t involve HR if at all possible. Mentioning it should be enough.)
To get out if the mess of this lie, just start telling the truth. Laugh it off, you thought it was cute/funny/flattering that people thought you were so young.
Most nosey/rude coworkers just want to make sure you’re “ok” and “not some kind of weirdo”. It’s very shitty and obnoxious of them, but you don’t handle it by, well… being a bit of a weirdo and acting like you’re over 10 years younger.
I promise you that some percentage of the people you’ve lied to are fully aware that you’re lying. Nobody passes that well for 20 years younger.
I’m 47 and the twentysomethings at work still think i’m their age, its hilarious, some people my age wouldn’t even talk to me until they found out im old like them. Some of us just habve great genes.
I’m 39 and my teenage coworkers at McDonald’s were surprised that I wasn’t just 19 or 20. To be fair, though, I have to wear a hat and it covers most of my gray hair. And they’re also teenagers.
Teenagers are absolute idiots. Their changing bodies seemingly take away energy from their brains. I got a dog last year and they grow into puberty after 9 months. We had been doing puppy training, which was going great, but after 9 months she suddenly seemed to have forgotten everything she learned and just did everything she wasn’t supposed to. Same thing goes for humans, but it’s a longer timespan, so the transition is smoother.
Next time your age comes up, just say, “you really believed I was 25?! Haha, that’s great!”
How can you be in your 40s and this avoidant?
Idk about OP, but I don’t tell people my age, nor do I tell them what day of the year my birthday is.
I also never divulge my middle name.
This is all personal information, which I do not willingly share.
I’ve never really had a problem. Nobody knows, and they don’t need to know.
OP can do whatever they want with their own private information, which is none of anyone’s business.
I’ve never really had a problem.
then my coworkers are all busybodies who don’t know what boundaries are.
Still, answering ‘how old are you’ with ‘none of your business’ seems overkill. I just want them to leave me alone.
Busybodies are definitely the problem. When someone directly asks me about my age I just kind of silently and blankly stare at them until they stop asking.
Bluntly, I’m here to work because that’s how I make money which I need to survive. You’re my co-workers, not my friends. I’ll be friendly, but let’s keep discussions work-related. My age, is not an important piece of information for anyone to do their job. My birthday is the same.
People tend to guess, but they’re met with the same silence and blank stare. If they start asking why I’m not answering, I just tell them that I’m not willing to discuss my personal information.
If they can’t respect my boundaries, that seems like a “them” problem. If try to make their problem into my problem, then it will become HR’s problem.
Personally, I don’t work in highly social environments anymore (I work in tech, almost entirely remote work), so generally I don’t have a lot of opportunities to have small talk with my co-workers. I’m fortunate like that right now. Previously, I would mainly deal with it by exercising my constitutionally protected right to silence. It’s amazing how effective it can be to give someone zero reaction to their question. You didn’t say no, nor give them a reason, nor did you give them an answer. It weirds them right out.
Now, I’ll add the caveat that I do not give any shits about what people think of my beyond my professional capabilities. I think the only times I’ve given a reaction to it is when someone asked why I wouldn’t entertain the questions about my age and birthday, and my go-to reply is that “I’m a very private person”. I don’t talk about family, friends, dating/love life, personal finances, the things I own, where I live… (It’s a long list) When I’m working. The only other topic I try to avoid at work is politics, since it’s so universally polarizing. Discussions about literally anything else, totally cool. My personal life and politics? I’ll be over there points working. Tyvm.
ace
You say you didn’t give them ammunition, but IMO you’ve done exactly that by giving them this weird “power” to make you feel like you should hide your true age or apologize for anything.
“Why aren’t you married?” “I haven’t met anybody worth making that kind of commitment to.”
“Why didn’t you have kids?” “Because I don’t want any (at this point).”
Live your life according to your own schedule and speak your actual truth.
